I often find it difficult to get a good workout for my face; trying to lift barbells with it just doesn’t seem to work. The Home Shopping Network has solved that for me with the no!no! FaceTrainer, retailing for $199. What does it do? Well, it “enhance[s] facial exercise by adding resistance to the muscles while performing exercises, the FaceTrainer allows you to better focus on the facial muscles you are exercising.” In case word repetition doesn’t drive a point home, it exercises your face. Hard. A little steroids and your face will be ready to bench press a car or black out in a fit of rage.

[via, thanks Melanie for the tip!]

Everyone is looking for a smoother, younger complexion so what better way to tackle that than with the power of LIGHT! With buzzwords such as “Deep Penetrating Light,” “Infrared LED lights,” and “based on NASA research,” you can’t go wrong with the aptly-named Light Therapy System for $400. Or you could get a Lite Brite off eBay for $15. Either way, the only “glow” you’ll be getting is from the lights.

[via, thanks joe for the tip!]

Not feeling like a precious-enough metal? Get your face full of gold with this $105 gold mask treatment. Sure it’s probably not going to do anything, but your husband isn’t going to live out his fantasies of getting blown by C-3PO any other way, now is he?

[via]

Men love properly supported breasts and women love diamonds, so the perfect marriage of both genders’ needs comes in the form of Victoria’s Secret’s $5 million Black Diamond Fantasy Bra. The company has produced a different diamond-encrusted bosom supporter every year since 1996. With the economy in a low holding pattern, dropping a couple million to turn your wife into Adriana Lima is a bit steep, particularly when Russian brides are available and cost-efficient. Only their diamonds come in the form of radioactive moles left over from Chernobyl.

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