Maybe you shouldn't buy that

Dog fashion is all the rage…people spend thousands of...

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 13:12:17 -0400

Dog fashion is all the rage…people spend thousands of dollars on coats and shirts and, I don’t know, fedoras for their dogs. But why spend that much when you can make a purchase that says, “Hey, I’m a dog and I know my place,” like NFL Shop’s Philadelphia Eagles Customizable Dog Jersey for $40. The jersey says so much, like that you’re an Eagles fan and that you love your dog enough to buy him clothes, but not quite enough to avoid mocking him and the plight of his people behind his back.

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Who hasn’t dreamed of mailing a box full of feces to...

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 13:20:00 -0400

Who hasn’t dreamed of mailing a box full of feces to someone you hate? Well, what about doing it for someone you love? Meet the $15 Poop Parcels. For that minimal cost, you can mail someone you love (or hate) the gift of crap. Only it’s not real crap, because that’d just be terrible, but a coated chocolate designed to look just like crap. With a card featuring all sorts of poop puns for to celebrate any occasion, what person wouldn’t go nuts over this corny bit of chocolate heaven?

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I bought a new leather couch recently and it was a very...

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 15:03:00 -0400

I bought a new leather couch recently and it was a very expensive process. But even brand new, and a sectional, it was less expensive than this $5000 Couch for sale on Craigslist. But my new couch lacks something that this couch doesn’t…jizm. For you see, the couch above was used in several films. Adult films, including “Casting Couch Whores #8” and “Let’s Bust Nuts on these Butt Sluts, Volume 7.” So, at least you know it’ll have only been exemplary ladies. You don’t just waltz into the adult film industry and get a role in the illustrious LBNotBS series without some serious acting chops and a touch of class.

[via, thanks Going Like Sixty for the tip!]

This one is a tough call for me…clearly the unpriced...

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 13:22:47 -0400

This one is a tough call for me…clearly the unpriced CRISTAL Touchscreen Coffee Table Remote is cool; via a touchscreen interface, you can control every appliance and networked device in your home as well as see live shots of your home set-up to more adequately map out the controls for each device. But at the same time, with our lives becoming so increasingly sedentary as more and more technology is created, is something so undoubtedly expensive and technologically advanced necessary? The answer: Yes, so long as it frees up more time for me to beach on the couch and eat Cheetos. Chester Cheetah waits for no man.

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Luxurious vacations are so overrated. People spend thousands...

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 13:38:00 -0400

Luxurious vacations are so overrated. People spend thousands just to sit out in the sun, take a couple of pictures, and ultimately have nothing to show for it. If you believe that, but still want to take a vacation, here’s a way to put your money where your mouth is: The $19 “Survivor Special” at the Rancho Bernardo Inn in San Diego. Some expensive hotel rooms come with a view or a couch or even a bowling alley, but who needs all that? With the Survivor Special, you’re limited to just a room with one light in the bathroom for “safety purposes.” Oh and hopefully you like sweating profusely but don’t like showering or using the bathroom, because the room comes bereft of A/C, towels, and toilet paper. Which would be a real step up if you’ve been trapped in Buffalo Bill’s basement for the past 5 months…though there were actually more amenities there if you count the food and lotion.

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Americans love barbecues…delicious meats seared to...

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 13:29:12 -0400

Americans love barbecues…delicious meats seared to perfection make feelings that border on arousal for a red-blooded male. So here’s the reasonably-priced but questionably-useful Maverick ET 901 Remote BBQ Thermometer and Timer, available for $60. The device serves many of the necessary functions needed for great barbecue, measuring temperature and time needed to cook. But the main reason for its above-market price is the remote capability which allows you to monitor the food for extended periods of time from 100 feet away. As any good barbecuer, the type of person who’d invest in something like this, would tell you, it’s always a great idea to wander far away from the meat that’s currently cooking on an open flame. 7 out of 10 drunk fire marshals wholeheartedly agree.

[via, thanks John for the tip!]

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, at least if...

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 13:47:17 -0400

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, at least if we’re to believe the propagandists at Kellogg’s. But if you want anything truly delicious, it might take a while. That’s where the $3500 ChefStack Automatic Pancake Machine comes in. Designed for busy restaurants or coffee shops, but available to the general public, the ChefStack will take your pancake batter and shoot out up to 200 pancakes an hour. Perfect for a busy cook or an obese person who’s always dreamed of eating their breakfast like the episode of I Love Lucy where Lucy worked at the cherry factory.

[via, thanks Chris for the tip!]

What you see pictured above looks like an ordinary, attractive...

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 13:04:46 -0400

What you see pictured above looks like an ordinary, attractive diamond. And at $8700 per carat for a canary cut diamond by Memorial Diamonds, it’s fairly close to market value. But the secret ingredient in making the diamonds is love. And by love, I mean the love you have for a relative, spouse, or pet because this diamond is made with the ashes of your loved one. With a process that involves creating a raw diamond crystal using the carbon from your cremated ashes, then cutting and polishing it, you can make a diamond with the same properties as a natural one with the power of science. Which is great, because I was really feeling as though my diamonds don’t have nearly enough dead guy in them.

[via, thanks Delia for the tip!]

In spite of recent beliefs that she does more to damage...

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 13:51:00 -0400

In spite of recent beliefs that she does more to damage women’s perception of themselves rather than aid it, Barbie is an icon. So to celebrate previous anniversary of the doll, De Beers designed the $85,000 Diamond Barbie. With miniature white gold jewelry and an outfit with 160 miniature diamonds, this Barbie doll (which looks absolutely nothing like any Barbie dolls I’ve seen) is ready to hit the town. Well, she’s actually extremely underdressed to enter any place that doesn’t have the name of a mint and an exotic animal in neon lights above the door, but still, you can’t put a price on whorish luxury.

[via, thanks Kristy for the tip!]

Perhaps it’s an unreal expectation on my part, but I think...

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 13:00:15 -0400

Perhaps it’s an unreal expectation on my part, but I think Paris Hilton is smarter than she lets on to the world; she’s pretty much the first nobody to brand herself well enough that people think she’s a real celebrity. But then I see something like Paris’s $325,000 Custom Dog House and can’t help but think, “Oh. My bad.” The dog house is two stories, with the inside decorated entirely pink and comes with furniture from Philippe Starck, air conditioning, and a crystal chandellier. The bottom floor is for hanging out and, presumably, entertaining guests while the upstairs is the bedroom area as well as a closet for all of the dogs’ clothing. More importantly, this dog house is more valuable than over 70% of the full-sized homes of the country. Quite an accomplishment for a house in which the occupants are likely to defecate on the floor at any given moment. Typically that’d fly only in Kentucky.

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Many designers sacrifice the functionality of their products to...

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 13:33:29 -0400

Many designers sacrifice the functionality of their products to focus on the artistic design aesthetics. Sang-Jang Lee’s Blob Heater, price unlisted, looks to achieve both. The Blob Heater is a personal heater, basically a mushy and posable type of beanbag, that also provides heat, designed to simulate the experience of laying down with another human being. Oh, also, it looks like a sperm. At 240”x25”x25”, it’d have to be the sperm of the Jolly Green giant, but a sperm nonetheless. An explanation for when someone walks in on you lying on the floor with your warm, giant sperm is not included in the purchase price.

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Collectors are fascinating people, particularly when they have a...

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 13:50:07 -0400

Collectors are fascinating people, particularly when they have a fascination with products that have a tie to their childhood. For example, check out this life-sized statue of Street Fighter character Chun-Li, selling for $8000. No, that isn’t Chun-Li’s typical attire…she usually wears this comparably subdued dress for her video game battles. But is there any better way to show your commitment to Chun-Li than this monument to her greatness? Buying this highly sexualized 6-foot tall video game character with thick thighs and a thong pretty much guarantees that, no matter how charming you are, Chun-Li will forever be the only woman in your life.

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With so many advancements in technology, one would assume that...

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 13:53:00 -0400

With so many advancements in technology, one would assume that toys would be more powerful than anything you grew up with. Such is the case with Bebé Glotón, also known as Baby Glutton in English, which sells for about $30 US. The doll is the first of its kind replicating the experience of a baby feeding on its mother’s teat. Through the best lactating toy technology ever invented, consisting of a bra which has flowers for nipples which get chewed up when the doll is full, Bebé Glotón is the perfect toy for the teenage mother-to-be or the creepy fetishist who can’t totally commit.

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The handsome fellow you see above is the Steiff 125-Karat Bear,...

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 13:39:35 -0400

The handsome fellow you see above is the Steiff 125-Karat Bear, price unlisted, which was created for the legendary teddy bear company’s 125th anniversary. Golden threads are knotted into the quality silk and mohair fur, which match his eyes, made of sapphire cabochons, surrounded by diamonds and placed in a yellow gold setting. To top it off, he has a 24-karat gold button on his ear, because obviously he’d just look ridiculous without a bit of jewelry. But in spite of the money put into making this fancy fancy bear, I can’t help but notice his creepy lifeless eyes staring back at me, like a trophy wife who fell in love with our lavish lifestyle but never quite fell in love with me. Not like Teddy Ruxpin. He wasn’t the best listener, but we could talk for hours. Come back to me Teddy! Come baaaaaack *sob sob*.

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People tend to think that we’ve domesticated animals like...

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 13:16:11 -0400

People tend to think that we’ve domesticated animals like cats and dogs. Yes, they now sit by our side in our homes instead of in the wild, but we as humans are the ones who now feed them, clean up after them, scratch them behind their adorable ears, and occasionally (and somewhat idiotically) clothe them. So how else can a dog assert its power over you? With this 14-karat gold Pooper Scooper Pendant, selling for $280. What better way to take a reminder of Fido everywhere you go than a jeweled reminder of how you lovingly clean up his feces. Your grandparents should be so lucky to get the same care.

[via, thanks Mike for the tip!]

When a man sees a woman in a bikini, he can typically get enough...

Fri, 31 Jul 2009 12:48:01 -0400

When a man sees a woman in a bikini, he can typically get enough of an idea of how the woman might look with no clothes at all. But that wasn’t enough for one German inventor. Meet the Get Naked Bikini, an as-yet-unpriced bikini which disappears as soon as the fabric touches the water, leaving the formerly somewhat clothed woman now completely nude. The product is under fire for its misogynistic undertones, with one protester saying, “It is an absolute insult to women that this has been invented.” So what do you think: Hilarious prank OR disgusting prank that’s still kind of sexy but I won’t admit that publicly because, wow, that’s pretty bad? Looks like we’ll all have to stop taking bikinis from strangers.

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I often feel bad for garbage, since it has such a poor...

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 14:28:24 -0400

I often feel bad for garbage, since it has such a poor reputation. What was once beloved can then end up in a pile of the most wretched smelling items in town. But now you can class up your garbage a bit with Sylvie Fleury’s $15,000 Gold-Plated Garbage Cans. With only 25 of these in the world, you could be the Crowned Prince of Dumpster Diving. Or you could opt to finally bring some joy to the cold cold heart of Oscar the Grouch. Through that gruff exterior lies someone crying out for a touch of elegance.

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Life would be so much simpler if we could live like Scrooge...

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 13:34:33 -0400

Life would be so much simpler if we could live like Scrooge McDuck but, unfortunately, we are not ducks and swimming in gold coins would likely end in pain when faced with reality’s physics. So how about the next closest thing in the form of the $25 Bandai Bubble Money. The product involves a bubble solution, designed to look like 10,000 Japanese yen, dissolving into the water to create a luxurious bevy of bubbles while the money slowly fizzles away. A perfect mixture of excess and affordability, all without the stern judging eyes of Mr Bubbles.

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Despite being out for a couple years, the Nintendo Wii is as hot...

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 13:25:00 -0400

Despite being out for a couple years, the Nintendo Wii is as hot as ever. Now that heat can be taken literally, given that this is a $1500 Solar-Powered Nintendo Wii. With a built in monitor and a Nintendo Wii powered by the sun (both aided by a heavy duty battery), this portable(ish) product can provide joy for 8 hours. Though I have to say, there’s a bit of heavily laid-on irony given that you’d have to be outdoors to use the product, yet wholly opposed to actually undertaking the real physical activities you’re simulating with the Wii. You might as well read a book about a guy reading a book.

[via, thanks to MYSBT MVP Mike for the tip!]

Moon fever continues to grip the world even after last...

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 13:24:32 -0400

Moon fever continues to grip the world even after last week’s 40th anniversary of the first moon landing. Further evidence can be found inthis limited edition reprint of Norman Mailer’s Moonfire, a book chronicling Apollo 11’s journey, expected to sell for approximately $400,000. Fortunately, for value purposes, there’s more than just a book included as the 12 copies being released will also feature a moon rock which may or may not be the exact same thing as a regular rock (only with 100% more moon). Book spoiler alert!: Dumbledore dies during the launch. I hope that didn’t ruin it for you.

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